Since I have discovered (been coerced into using) Pinterest, I have come across some absolutely wonderful blogs. Some are just full of humor, making me laugh, and ultimately adding to my book collection. Others have useful beauty tips. And still others have the recipes that have been tried and tested and are now "pinned" to my food board, some of which have actually been made.
The above is stated because ultimately, these things have brought me back to the blog I started years ago, but didn't do much with. And I have this burning desire to actually BE one of those bloggers people can tell their friends about. Maybe they like my humorous quips. Maybe I'll start posting about the food I make or some interior design tips. How to organize, how to get great bargains without spending hours clipping coupons (doesn't do much good in Iowa anyway), how to accessorize or dress a larger framed body, how to deal with a husband who won't ever put the toilet seat down despite writing "PUT ME DOWN" under the seat (you would think that would work, but it didn't), etc., etc. And after today, I need the outlet. And the support.
We'll pretend none of you know me. I've got 2 boys who are 9 and 13 from a previous marriage. My ex has custody of them most of the time because a job loss pretty much forced me to move 100 miles from them, while fighting for custody for them, after having just signed divorce papers, granting 50/50 custody. The courts are stupid, and since they were with their dad for the battle, I lost. I try not to feel like a horrible mother, because society says the kids should be with their mom. I have one friend in particular that I can lean on because she did the same. She has helped me a great deal. And for the most part I do OK. I travel the state for work, and rationalize that this way I don't have to make it back by any certain time to take care of anyone. I can plan my trips around my clients, and because I work the whole state, I can plan my trips around my boys' school events as well. Their dad can barely make it to anything and he lives right there. I also get them for most of the summer, and this is a much better place for them to be for most of the summer. However, their father is neglecting taking them for eye doctor appointments and follow-up dental appointments to get cavities taken care of because he doesn't have the time. He had the time to fight me in court to keep them there. But he doesn't actually have the time FOR them. So I had a little melt down today. And I took it out on my mother, who I've always felt could have backed me up a little more during the custody battle. Every child wants to feel protected by their parents, even if that child is an adult with children of her own. She and my dad just stood back and watched events play out instead of standing up for me and saying, "Are you fucking out of your mind? The kids belong with her!" Even if it didn't do any good in the end (and it probably wouldn't have) it would have made me feel better. But instead, they kept their mouths shut. And I kept my mouth shut. Until today, when the dam broke, and I made my mother cry. I apologized, but it made me feel like shit anyway. But I was also kind of happy she finally knew how I felt.
So all of that is going on and my husband is out of town on RAGBRAI (Register's Annual Great Bike Ride Across Iowa) driving a Winnebago for a crew of awesome cyclists, so they have a support vehicle. My puppy goes in for surgery "to remove her lady parts" as my 9 year old says (because it was easier than explaining reproduction to him). We have a family reunion coming up this weekend and I'm not sure what to do with the puppy or the big dog, Zima and Swisher respectively. They really should be separated, or her stitches will surely burst with the rough housing they do. I feel overwhelmed.
I was laying in bed, already crying a little and somewhat upset. My mom called me to talk about something else, and could tell something was wrong. She asked, I said, "Nothing.' She asked again, and because I have an affliction I like to call "diarrhea of the mouth" it all came rushing out with no stopping. I told her about the dental appointments not followed up on and how pissed I was that I had to take over eye care, and I ripped into her for not standing up for me. This made her cry. She was at work. After our conversation, she called my dad, still crying. He later in the day left a message for me. I didn't want to answer the phone because I thought he was going to yell at me. He didn't. I called him back. He came over and hugged me and gave me the name of a lawyer he thinks might be able to help. I appreciate this gesture, although I also know my money would be wasted on a lawyer.
*The previous was all written in July, but not published because it was too fresh a wound, and I still felt like a jackass. It's now October. My relationship with my parents is better because of the blow up, I think. I used to complain about my ex to my parents and receive nothing in return. No empathy. No support. I complained about him a couple of weeks ago because he went ahead and ordered school pictures of the boys FOR me without asking what I wanted, and I wanted more than he got me. My mom actually sent him a text complaining about it. GO MOM!! So maybe my meltdown wasn't so horrible after all. That day in July was a terrible, horrible, no good very bad day though, and I don't want a repeat. Ever.
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