Nostalgia

My husband is an extremely sentimental person. He still has toys and books from his childhood, tools from his grandpa, and we even live in a house that his grandparents built. I, on the other hand, am the complete opposite. My parents gave me a plastic tote full of items from my childhood.  I sat down and went through everything. I kept the Indian head pennies. I tossed the candle I made for them in 1^st grade, the papers I wrote in grade school, my art projects in junior high. I took a photo of a cool “old lady who lived in a shoe” clay boot I made in 8^th or 9^th grade, and promptly dropped it into the trash. “Stuff” makes me crazy. I am surrounded by it and try to purge it often. This quirk of mine makes my husband crazy and I think he is going to will himself to outlive me just so I don’t get rid of all of his stuff.

If the house burns down or is swept away by a tornado, it is likely I will have to commit Eric to an institution because he will be completely distraught. I will be sad about losing some of the kids’ photos, but there are SO many photos of them, and will still be so many photos taken of them in the future that it doesn’t really matter that much to me. My parents and my ex have copies of most things. Digital photos are backed up on Facebook and other places you can reach from anywhere. My "stuff" I don't really care about. I can always buy new things. I've been wanting a new sofa anyway... 

There are a couple things that are irreplaceable though.

I own a piece of artwork that hung in my grandparents’ home (the Boesens) that I have had since my mid 20’s and it hangs in my dining room. I have a set of brass bells on a rope that those same grandparents had hanging up in their home. I’m still looking for a good place to put these, but they are hung in the basement for now. I think I might have a clay bowl that a great-grandmother made. A couple of milk glass vases. A set of "nude" lady porcelain drinking glasses painted by my maternal grandmother. None of those can be replaced. Because someone else's milk glass vase has no meaning for me. 

I have a couple of old photos that mean the world to me though. Thankfully the originals are with my parents, and I have digital copies, so they will never truly be lost. 

Betty and Louie Billick. Ada Boesen.

None of the people in this photo are still alive. On the right is my Grandma Boesen who passed away just after I turned 4. To this very day, cinnamon toast and Coca-Cola make me think of her. The other woman is her sister Betty. And the man is Betty’s husband, Louie. This photo was taken at Cattle Congress, behind Estelle Hall, where Betty and Louie ran a concession stand. It was still there during my child hood and I visited that concession stand at least twice every year during the fair. I especially remember getting 3 foot ropes of red licorice. It was the only place I’d ever had it.

The three of them look so happy in this picture. Aunt Betty’s smile was contagious. Uncle Louie’s kindness was unmatched. And my grandmother, well, I don’t know what to say about her except that she died way too young and I never really had the chance to know her. But I still miss her anyway. Maybe even more so because I feel robbed of time with her.

And this photo, with all of my grandparents at my parents’ wedding in August of 1971. I LOVE this photo too. 

Don and Ada Boesen. Norma and Howard Briden.

My maternal grandparents (on the right) are 90 and 91 and living in Sun City, Arizona. Eric and I drove out in February of 2013 for my grandpa's 90th birthday. I sadly could not make it this past March to my grandma's. I need to get out there again soon, because their health is rapidly declining. I'm just happy to have had almost 40 years so far with them. 

So my husband is wrong when he says I am cold hearted or not sentimental. I am. But I don't need a car or house or garden tool of my grandpa's to remember him. I have hours and hours of big band music that does just that. I have just a couple of items from my grandma, and that's enough. My Grandpa Briden made me choose one of his wood carvings when I was in Arizona last time, and I will have that after he passes. I wore some of my Grandma Briden's costume jewelry in my wedding 3 years ago. I don't need much "stuff"  in order to remember my loved ones who have passed on. My memories will suffice. And maybe when my memory isn't so fantastic anymore, and I don't remember much about them, I won't miss them so much. 

True Friends

I've been thinking about writing this post for awhile. It was even more on my mind after last week's surprise half birthday party for Eric, where friends came from California, New Jersey, Texas, Illinois, and Minnesota. They worked out complicated flight schedules, and even came during a completely inconvenient time (2 days after a move) just to show Eric their love. Then this morning I noticed this article (why-women-need-their-girlfriends) on an acquaintance from junior high and high school's Facebook page about friends, and how you need your friends even more as you grow older. So here goes.

I'm not changing any names in this post to protect anyone. 

My true friends mean the absolute world to me. I'm not the easiest person to get along with all the time, but I have many friends who know this and love me anyway. Then there are the people who are no longer friends, who were my very best friends, or so I thought. Here are a couple of stories.

I grew up next door to a nice older couple with 4 adult children and I think 14 grandchildren. One of those grandchildren was Leslie, who was 6 months older than me, and a year ahead in another school system. We spent our summers riding our bikes to the pool, talking about boys, and torturing my little brother. We had sleepovers, watched music videos and ate lots of junk food from the convenience store on the way back from the pool. We kept each other's secrets. We even stayed friends when I moved to Cedar Falls in 8^th grade, especially once she could drive, as we'd go to the mall and drive to the Cedar Falls pool. But Leslie was the type of girl who could only have one close friend at a time and I wasn't always it. She cycled between me and 2 other girls from her school. 

As adults, I was in her first wedding when she was 20. She had a daughter and was separated by the time I first got married, at age 23. She was Matron of Honor. I remember not being able to find her during the wedding party dance at my reception. She had gone home to change into something more comfortable. That's just how Leslie was. We spent the next several years in our on again off again friendship, through the birth of my 2 boys, her remarriage, and the birth of her son. There were several years we were not in contact, not even for Christmas cards. During this time I'd gotten a divorce and she'd had another child. We got pulled back together because her husband, and my boyfriend (now husband) Eric, bumped into each other at a poker game, and realized they had been in band together in high school. She and I had an awesome evening out, catching up, and Eric, the boys and I were invited to their house for a delicious chili dinner. But then things changed. I had been fighting a battle for custody of my kids to move them to Cedar Falls with me. I lost. She no longer wanted to be my friend because I should NEVER have let that happen. Instead of supporting me during the toughest time in my life, she disappeared. I sent her a sympathy card when her mom passed away a few years ago, but I've never heard from her again, nor do I ever expect to. And I don't think I want to. 

And then there's Jes. I was separated from my ex, living in a duplex in Urbandale when she moved in next door. She had just gotten a divorce, had 2 younger kids (her eldest and my youngest were the same age) and was a year younger than me. We had a lot in common and were soon bosom buddies. We went out, shared date stories, and told each other about our childhoods, our families and our failed marriages. We just clicked. The owner of our duplex passed away, and once her adult children got involved, the rent was going up a couple hundred a month for each of us. That was too steep for us, so we discussed finding a big place for all 6 of us. We found a townhouse in Ankeny. Her kids were part time and so were mine, so we sometimes had the place to ourselves, and sometimes we were overrun with kids, but it all worked out. We both bought groceries, we both cooked meals, we both cleaned. We still went out together and planned to write a book about our hilarious and awful dating stories. 

Then I met Eric. And I got a new job. And I started a custody battle for the boys, just months after the divorce was finalized. Then I lost said job, and the market crashed. I couldn't find work. I paid for my half of expenses for the remainder of the lease, but ended up moving back to my hometown of Cedar Falls with Eric.

She found an affordable apartment. Then she lost her job. She ended up moving into her ex-husband's old house (they were still good friends). Through all of this, we supported each other.

I got engaged. She found a new boyfriend. She moved in with him, got knocked up, and got married within 4 months. I did not show enthusiasm for her pregnancy because she had had 2 previous relationships where she proclaimed, "I'm going to marry him!" and within 6 months that "him" was declared a douche-bag and was dumped. She hadn't even made it that long with this guy. I was worried for her. I wrote her a long letter of apology explaining my reaction, and was blasted in her reply. She stopped talking to me, and since she was supposed to be in my wedding, I asked her if she still wanted to be my friend, because if not, I did not want her standing up for me. She eventually came around and said she wanted to be in the wedding. Her position in my wedding? You guessed it: Matron of Honor. 

Eric and I were the only ones to represent her at her intimate wedding at the grocery store where her first date with her husband had been. My wedding took place and she played an integral part, as she lost Eric's wedding ring during our April Fools' wedding, and made it truly memorable. (She later found it in her dress when she took it off that night.) I helped throw her a baby shower. I visited her after she had her baby girl. She was frankly a bitch and no fun to be around until she finally found a job selling flooring to builders. Then the "real" Jes came back. The one I knew and loved. All was well, until her ex asked me for interior design help for his friend who was opening a restaurant. Jes had him talked into vinyl plank flooring, but I talked him into carpet tile because of acoustics. She had said the carpet wasn't in her system at work, so I told him I could sell it direct. She called a week later to get pricing and was pissed that I had given it to him already. I immediately put up the white flag and said I refused to let something like this wreck our friendship. I gave her pricing that was better than I’d given him, but her bid to him was so high he could no longer afford the carpet. A month went by without her talking to me. I left messages and sent emails and texts. Her reply was to call Eric and tell him if I begged for her friendship I could have it. After the way she had made me feel numerous times, I refused. 

Our kids were in the same class that fall. She went out of her way to avoid eye contact at the Meet the Teacher event. The next spring at a chorus concert, she made sure to say hi to Eric, but again went out of her way to ignore me. I understand if you no longer have real time to be my friend, since you think you no longer need friends since you have a husband and HIS friends, but being cordial would be nice. 

It was hard moving to Cedar Falls and leaving my friends behind in Des Moines. I still see many of them for lunches while I'm in town. I still make appointments for my hair in Des Moines, just so I can spend time with Jennifer, who I have known since way before she became a kick ass stylist, and she's still around despite her turn as Maid of Honor in my wedding to Eric, so at least that position isn't cursed (though I don’t plan to have any more weddings). I'm lucky enough to have reconnected with a grade school friend, Nikki, who lets me stay at her place when I need to stay overnight in Des Moines. We've gone on a couple of road trips and always have a blast. Back home in Cedar Falls, I reconnected with my grade school best friend Ninya, (who of course is now moving to the Des Moines area) but I don't fear losing her friendship because of this. I also reconnected with my high school friend Amy (we also went to grade school together, but were merely acquaintances), who is also moving to Des Moines for work. These 2 moves make me sad, but I know I'm not losing these friendships. I just won’t see them as often. I have made other friends here, like Krista, who seems to be the exact opposite of Jes, in regard to her always making me feel wonderful about being me, and always puts me in a great mood. I am so happy I can call her my friend. And Dawn, who despite disliking me at our initial meeting, has decided I am not so bad after all. And I have her solely to thank for getting me involved in volleyball locally, where I have met so many other awesome women. And then of course there is Heather, who has been my friend since the middle of 8^th grade when she moved back to Cedar Falls. She’s the mother of 4 very active kids, so I don’t see her much, but we do email and catch up at lunch every so often.

I have friends that live far away that I don't talk to for months at a time, like Kim and Kate, but I know we can pick right back up where we left off. I have no doubts about our friendships.

I have girl friends I only know through Eric (Kim, Nova, Christine, Mandie, Molly, Arren) who I know I can call if I need to talk, or need advice, or just want to catch up. And then there’s the multitude of other friends in Eric's life who seem to love me by extension since they already love him.

I have awesome neighbors who bring me fresh eggs, come to our parties, hang out on our deck for a drink, or pop over at 11:30 at night because they see the lights on, to chat or heat up hot dogs in our microwave because theirs isn't working (Rowena, Sarah, Chris, Amy, Kevin, Angela, Eli, Briana, Jay, Katie, James). And those neighbors who have moved away, who we still see on occasion, or at least follow on Facebook to keep up on what's happening in their lives (Sarah, Chet, Mariah, Chris, Maria, Rory) and that I miss dearly since I no longer see them on a regular basis. 

Family seems obligated to love you (although I count a couple of cousins as friends, like Alexia and Sharon, and would hang out with them regardless of relation). But friends have a choice. They can walk away at any given moment, sometimes with no reason that you can understand. Sometimes it hurts even worse than breaking up with or divorcing a significant other, because they know you in a different way. I truly hope the friends currently in my life stay there indefinitely, and there are SO MANY more than are mentioned in this post. I appreciate and love them and will do my best to make sure they know they are important to me. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being my friends.