Turning Tricks for Treats?

I LOVE Halloween. LOVE IT! It's my favorite holiday. Good thing too, because I married a guy who is a FREAK about it. We have a yearly party called Toxic Waste. This all started because Eric used to work on foreclosed homes, and we had access to A LOT of crap. Old tires and batteries, junked out furniture, and lots of empty containers from RV antifreeze he had to put down the drains to winterize. 

I try to plan my costume well ahead of the party. I knew by last year's party what I was going to be this year. And I think I know what I am going to be next year already. Last year was my favorite, as I suckered 5 other people into dressing up like Clue Characters with me. 

Shane (Professor Plum) and Molly (Miss Scarlet) Kahler, Me (Mrs. Peacock),
Eric (Colonel Mustard), Krista (Mrs. White) and David (Mr. Green) McNurlen

One year I wanted to go as the Fun Police, but I could not find a female costume that was not slutty, and I didn't think the male costumes would fit right. I ended up as a "pop art" piece.

Not my favorite. But fairly original. And as a bonus my hoo-ha was not hanging out. 

I find that as a LARGE woman (I want to say "girl" but I think at a month shy of 40 I should stick with "woman") there is very little out there for me in the way of off the rack costumes. Which is fine. Because it makes me think harder to come up with something better. 

However, I have SO MUCH FUN looking up what crazy ass costumes are available to women now, that I just had to post a blog about it, complete with awesomely horrible photos that will make you question your faith in humanity. Here we go!

Let's start with the category: Ruining My Childhood with these "Retro Yarn Dolls." Or for those who don't recognize them: Cabbage Patch Dolls.

And for Cory... who could've had a Sexy Bert to go with his Ernie a few years ago: 

Every summer as a kid we'd travel to northern Minnesota where we would see Paul Bunyan and Babe the Blue Ox... that looked NOTHING like this... If Paul Bunyan was real, he'd be rolling over in his grave.

I can NEVER look at the Muppets the same again:

Or Scooby Doo (this is just all kinds of wrong):

Or my beloved Ninja Turtles (pre-Michael Bay):

Let's move on to the Food & Beverage category. Because who doesn't think food is sexy? 

We'll start with Beverages. I have always dreamed of being a bottle of Schlitz beer... 

If that doesn't thrill you, maybe this sexy array of condiments will get your mouth watering:

No? Fruits and veggies maybe? 

Or maybe fast food is more your speed?

I love the hamburger. She's all, "You want fries with this? Didn't think so!" 

Slightly related, but in the category of WTF... a female version of Ronald McDonald. Again I say WTF? I'm going to have nightmares.

Now that I made you vomit in your mouth a little... We're going back to the Food & Beverage Category... sub category Other Foods (this one's for Eric). Because who doesn't want to be a fortune cookie? Or Popcorn? 

Speaking of cookies, let's move onto another sub category: Sweets! Having worked in a candy store in high school and college, I am just LOVING (sarcastic font) these costumes! I should see if they have plus size... 

Now let's focus on Disney. Every little girl wants to be a Disney princess, right? Well, how about Snow White? She was a total babe. 

If you don't want to be a princess, you can be Mike or Sully from Monsters' Inc., Nemo, Buzz Lightyear, or Mickey or Minnie Mouse!

I seriously can't believe how many of these costumes are out there... I just checked my picture file, and I have a few more. 

Under the sea:

LOVE the placement of the eyes on the jelly fish. Creatures that sting, bite and pinch you sure are SEXY. I wouldn't get your "manhood" too close though... 

And FINALLY let me present to you the Sci Fi Category and dare you to watch Star Wars without thinking of these lovely ladies. It could make a good porn, actually... 

There are more, but I think I am running out of room... and probably your attention span. Although, it is a lot of pictures and few words this time around. If anyone shows up to Toxic Waste VI with one of these costumes... you're going to freeze to death since the party is outside. But good for you for having the cojones to try to pull it off!