Driving 101 - A List That Never Gets Old

I have a padlock somewhere in this house that I can not remember the combination to, but I know that I wrote it in a blog posting YEARS ago on MySpace. I know, right? So on one of my tangents (A.D.D. moments) today, I decided to try to find the Word doc it was in. I found it (but not the padlock when I started looking) and I also found the following, bonus post for the week. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did! 

Thursday, July 17, 2008 

Driving 101 Current mood:  smart Category: Life I drive like I own the road, and I know it.  So here are some pointers for the rest of you so we can all get along. The basics: 1. Your registration sticker belongs in the lower left hand corner of your rear license plate.  That is the only place it should be. 2. You actually do need a rearview mirror. 3. You can not see other drivers if your windows are made of duct taped plastic. 4. There really is such a thing as a blind spot. Please check it before you move into my car.  Traffic signs and signals: 1. When your left turn arrow goes from yellow to non-existent, please refrain from pulling out in front of me, as I tend to gun it as soon as my light turns green. 2. Green right turn arrows do not mean STOP. 3. A yield sign just means slow down and look for traffic, not stop and make a phone call. 4. There will have to be a physical demonstration at a later date on what to do at a 4 way stop intersection, with emphasis on roads with 2 lanes in each direction. You people are morons. On the interstate: 1. The HAMMER LANE is defined on Urbandictionary as "A trucker term used to describe the passing lane on a highway. The fast lane."  This is the left lane for you idiots that don't realize that. There are signs clearly posted "SLOWER TRAFFIC KEEP RIGHT". GET OUT OF MY WAY! 2a. On-ramps are for increasing your speed to generally match that of traffic on the interstate, not lollygagging around. The accelerator is that pesky vertical pedal on the right. Become intimate with it so you have no problem punching it on the ramp. I understand gas costs money, but seriously, so does the medical procedure to remove your head from your ass. 2b. If a ramp does not proudly boast a yellow sign stating the appropriate speed, you can continue at the speed at which you were traveling prior to merging onto the ramp. Really. I'm serious. 3. PICK A LANE!! Miscellaneous: 1. Vehicles don't come standard with turn signals just so you can have the color orange on your car. 2. Some people can walk and chew gum at the same time. Some people can't. If you are one of the latter, you can not drive and do any of the following; talk on the phone, look through your cd collection, eat, drink or screw around with your iPOD or MP3 player. You are one of the unfortunate souls who has to use all (few) brain cells for one action at a time. I'm sure in the near future there will be a Driving 101 part 2, because every day I see something I need to add to the list.  Please print this list out and refer to it often (at least those of you who can chew gum and walk at the same time).

Up Yours!

"Winter is nature's way of saying, 'Up yours.'" ~ Robert Byrne 

Well, isn't that the truth? I had planned on writing about my adorable yet horrible puppy, Zima, this week, but after today's bout in the blizzard, I have decided to mix it up a bit. (And my husband claims I can't be spontaneous. HA!)

I first started my job as a traveling sales rep in February 2011. Winter was mostly over, and though I was on the road a lot, I didn't have any weather related problems. The winter of 2011-2012 was so mild that we didn't even have snow on the ground for Christmas, and we were having temps in the 90's by April. That was also not a problematic winter. 

2012-2013 and 2013-2014 have been a BITCH. I am SO thankful for having learned to drive in poor weather conditions, and thankful I know my car well enough to know what it can and can't do in inclement weather. 

Two weeks ago this past Friday, I was in Des Moines for work, and picked up the boys after school in Johnston to bring them back to Cedar Falls for the weekend. It was misting in Des Moines, but just north of the city, the mist was freezing on the roads. I always take the diagonal (Highways 65/330/14) between Des Moines and Cedar Falls because too often I-35 is closed due to weather or there are accidents that completely stop all traffic and usually cause additional "gawker" accidents. The diagonal has some drawbacks, but having less traffic and MANY outlets off the road, even if it is gravel, is worth it to me. 

So right about where Highway 65 turns directly north and 330 continues diagonally, all traffic slowed to about 45 miles per hour. It was SLICK. And it was 33 degrees. I hadn't expected the freezing to be so severe, since many times, the salt and brine help make the roads passable in colder temps. 

We basically skated home. It was very slow going, and we ended up having a very late dinner, but we made it home safely. 

One week later I was in Des Moines for work, and on my way home, I stopped at my friend Nikki's in Ankeny to help with some fabric-as-art questions. It started REALLY snowing just before I left. I didn't think it would be too bad. I was wrong. 

This is looking east from the Quik Trip on 1st Street in Ankeny.

I decided to take the diagonal again because I assumed it was bad up north as well, and Highway 20 is known to be terrible in this weather. 1st Street leads through Bondurant and to the diagonal. There were white out conditions just as bad as Highway 20 on the way. I couldn't see the car 30 feet in front of me at times, and we were traveling at about 20 MPH. Once I got to Highway 65 and turned north, a few miles down the road, there was a big white cargo van that had flipped on its side and rested to the right of northbound traffic. The sheriff was already there when I passed by, and it looked as if the van had been traveling south and crossed the median and flipped. I couldn't have been too far behind this happening. It scared the hell out of me.

Once I got to Melbourne, the weather cleared and roads were dry the rest of the way home. 

Now, today, I knew there was supposed to be a blizzard, but it didn't look bad in my neighborhood at all and I thought maybe I could beat it for my halfway point drop off in Albion with the boys. Again, I was wrong. Mother Nature really is a vindictive bitch this year. 

Grundy Road to Highway 20 was OK. Highway 20 to Highway 14 was kind of OK. Highway 14 was a complete white out to the point of not being able to see ANY of the road AT ALL. I don't think I have ever experienced anything like it. At times I was driving 10 MPH and still had no idea where the road was. We finally called the boys' dad and I turned around when I saw a sign indicating a county road was coming up. It happened to be the turn off the Holland that we normally take. We turned around, I rolled down my window to get the snow off, which caused a great amount of snow to blow in the car since the wind was coming from that direction, and then we headed back home. 14 wasn't as bad heading north. Highway 20 got worse though, as this picture Jake took on my phone shows, and Grundy Road was SO MUCH worse than it was the hour previous. What would normally take about 50 minutes round trip took 80 minutes instead. 

Jake wanted to show the juxtaposition of the dashboard. This is Highway 20 looking East. You can sort of see the road, right? 

Once we got home, I peeled my hands off the steering wheel, and I don't plan to go back out until tomorrow. I am just waiting to see if Johnston closes school, or delays it, or if they are having a regular school day. As long as the roads are OK, they still have to go to school despite their wishes. 

As for work, I have started scheduling appointments in Sioux City on February 20th with a Snow Day scheduled for the 27th if the first date doesn't work out. I don't want to have to schedule snow days. I don't want to have to cancel and reschedule appointments. I REALLY don't like getting caught in a winter storm of one sort or another, while driving 100 miles away from home . One day, I fear my good luck driving in this crap will run out.

(Sidenote: As I sit here and type this, wind whipping at my house, and making my brand new windows whistle, I am very thankful Cedar Falls Utilities are underground right now. I'm not sure they would make it in this wind.) 

Well, this picture is for YOU Mother Nature. UP YOURS TOO!

A Constant Battle

An adorable little cartoon has been circulating Facebook this past week and it got me to thinking... 

I have been trying to lose weight constantly since the beginning of 1997. That just amazes me. I think there has only been about 1 year's time that I wasn't trying to lose weight, and that was during my 2 pregnancies. It's sad. I've spent almost half my life in a seemingly unwinnable battle against my own body. And a good decade before that was spent thinking I was already fat when I wasn't. 

I gained nearly 50 pounds during college. I gained another 15 immediately after my first wedding, when I couldn't find a job after we'd moved to Des Moines. I gained another 35 while pregnant with Jake, but lost that pretty quickly. I gained only 15 pounds with Tyler and incredibly lost 30 pounds after giving birth. It was the first time I'd seen a number south of 200 on the scale for over 5 years. It didn't stay that way for long, and soon I'd gained the 30 pounds back: the most I'd ever weighed not pregnant. 

When my ex and I separated, the weight practically fell off me. But I still couldn't get past the barrier that was the 190's. I gained a few pounds and lost a few pounds for many years. When I met Eric I was back in the 190's. I started gaining and was back up 20+ pounds, even while push mowing several lawns a day, helping Eric with his business. That made no sense to me, or my doctor. My hypothyroidism is medicated, and levels have been fine for well over a decade. 

I've tried Farrell's 10-Week Body Makeover twice in my life. Once in Des Moines, and once before the wedding with Eric. I lost no weight either time, and really lost no inches either, so I couldn't blame it on muscle mass. Somehow after I quit the 2nd time, I miraculously lost some weight right before the wedding, but was still a little over 200. And then I gained again. Up to 226 this time. 3 pounds more than my previous non-pregnant all time weight record. I started really working out and eating organic foods. I got down to 204 and got stuck. The scale wouldn't budge. It didn't matter how much I worked out or what I ate. I ate more, thinking maybe I was eating too few calories. Nada. I ate less. Nada. That was a little over a year ago. I've been yo-yo-ing ever since, and have now gained back every single pound I lost. It seems my body enjoys being overweight. I, however, do not. I don't fit into any of my clothes, I've got SERIOUS muffin top that grosses me out, and instead of being motivated, after 17 years of no REAL weight loss, I have a serious case of the Fuck-Its. 

I have fucking HAD IT with this piece of shit metabolism I have. I'm sick of eating lunch with my skinny friends who can eat twice as much as me and not gain an ounce, whereas I just LOOK at food and gain weight. I am sick of people telling me I am NOT fat, because CLEARLY I am (especially those same skinny friends) and though your sentiments are meant to be kind, they are only pissing me off. I am sick of working my ass off and getting nowhere. I am SORRY I don't have 4 hours every day to dedicate to working out and eating like a fucking rabbit. I thought that 45 minutes a day, 6 days a week, PLUS volleyball 2 nights a week was enough. IT WASN'T.  

FUCK YOU metabolism! FUCK YOU fat cells! Pass me the Swiss Cake Rolls, bitches, because I am DONE.

It's all about the accessories

I had planned to post this closer to Halloween so the pictures were more applicable, but accessorizing is a year round endeavor, so it doesn't really matter if I'm using my Halloween costume as the example, does it? 

I've been wanting to get some other crazy people to go along with me and be the Clue Characters for Halloween. This past Halloween I finally did it! Right after Halloween 2012 I found a pair of shoes with peacock feathers painted on them, and it was fated I would be Mrs. Peacock. I then started looking for a dress, and couldn't find one I liked in teal, so I went with purple. I was going for the same time period as the movie, more than I was a specific color. I was worried, though, about stealing Professor Plum's color, so I made sure to add as much teal as possible. 

Here is the dress without accessories (which I plan to shorten to knee length and wear to summer weddings, or other events I can get away with this style of dress) and with my accessories:

Now we'll go over some of the details. You will notice that under my dress I now have a tulle skirt in teal. This helped poof out the dress a little and add some more teal. This was made by my wonderful friend Jennifer Staack in Des Moines. Even with her crazy schedule, she was able to whip this up for me. 

Now, the shoes. I fell in love with these when I saw them on Modcloth.com and KNEW I had to have them. I found the glasses on Bleudame.com. These were actually the 2nd pair I purchased. The first pair weren't as true to the era. Most of the jewelery items I already owned. I happened to find the teal ring online just before our party, and bought it to add to the teal color I thought I needed as Mrs. Peacock. I added a peacock pendant to my own wedding necklace, and bought a second pendant so I could take off the dangling "feathers" to add to real peacock feather earrings that my mother has had since the 70's. The rhinestone bracelet was my grandmother's and I had worn that for my wedding too. Everything else I had. 

I found a teal faux fur wrap online at Express after the holidays in 2012, on clearance for $10. And the feathered fascinator on ebay. I added some feathers to it to make it even more crazy, since Mrs. Peacock in the movie had problems with feathers in her face. This was the most fun I had had at Halloween. We won 1st prize at VooDoo Lounge's costume contest and came in 3rd for an online costume contest against a bunch of college students. 

And here is the whole cast of Clue. Thank you Shane & Molly Kahler, David and Krista McNurlen, and of course, my husband Eric, best Colonel Mustard ever!